(From my journal entry this summer, before DRIFT launched in November.)
Aug. 9th 2017
I’m sitting here on the airplane to Dallas Market week. My shoulders ache and my heart gets tight and anxious every few minutes. Our launch date is getting closer, a lot closer. The first week of November we want to launch our site.
I’m flying to Dallas on my own. Though I would prefer to have my husband here, I feel like its meant to be this way. The dream in my heart is taking root. Not just that, but it’s growing. This seed, that was planted years ago has grown roots and is now about to break the earth and sprout for others to see. I’m not a writer. But this is something I have to write down to remember this feeling. This terrified, anxious, overwhelmingly, excited feeling of new life breaking through soil.
It’s heavy. The soil is heavy. It’s seems ironic that the closer I get to breaking through the heavier it becomes.
You would think the tiny seed would feel the most weight buried deep below the layers of dirt. Here I am, the last push of growth so near the surface, ready to sprout. Oh the ache.
The seed doesn’t know any different. It’s just placed there. The planting of the seed is just the beginning. It’s a start to a much bigger plan intended for such a tiny seed.
November we hope to launch, I hope to sprout then. Breaking through years of planning and waiting and waiting and some more waiting. It’s a terrifying feeling not knowing what you’ll bloom into, or if you will bloom at all? The Gardener knows if you’ll sprout and have no flowers. What if you sprout and someone runs you over with a lawn mower or maybe worse, someone rips you out not knowing your worth?
They are realistic fears. They could happen. You can only hope your planted among the flowers or veggies and the Gardener knows to pull the weeds around you and help you flourish. I can worry for a thousand reasons and cause a tight pain in my chest and weepy eyes for days. I don’t want to live that way though.
There is peace in knowing that the Creator of this seed has formed me with good intent.
See, I believe the Lord can do as He pleases. He had me waiting tables for the past 10+ years! Could I have stepped out in faith sooner? Maybe? "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9 NLT
I wholeheartedly believe in God's provision for His children.
I’m launching an online boutique. I will live with a different freedom and standard that will be nothing like my past. It’s sounds awesome, and it is, but it's terrifying as well. Eighteen years of doing what I’m told, showing up to work, following the rules of someone else has become so comfortable and normal in my life.
I would dream of being an entrepreneur or artist and allowing my creativity to be set free someday. Now that it's here… IT’S TERRIFYING and AWESOME!
I have to use a part of my brain that has been sleeping for way too long. Autopilot is not always bad, it can help you daydream. But we were not created to stay on autopilot.
We’re all striving for something. Deep in our hearts we want more for ourselves, for our families. We want this grandiose story that makes us come alive! Deep down there is a seed that has been planted, or maybe you're someone who thinks you don’t have a seed? Seek it out. Take time to search for it. Devote time in asking God what dream is in your heart that has been buried so deep you never knew it was there.
“We were meant to live for so much more,” as the old school 'Jars of Clay' song goes. Life is here, and then it’s gone. We are but a vapor. The twinkle in your heart, the stirring in your spirit is there for a reason.
If you think you don’t have a seed… pray for one. If you know you have a seed, but you don’t feel it growing… water it. If your seed is taking root, praise God for it. And if your seed it sprouting… continue to trust the Creator that whatever the outcome, it is not without purpose.
Even the diced up flower that came too close to the weed-eater can nourish the soil in lands on. Teach others that this life is not our own. Breaking new ground is a scary thing.
Be still my heart.
Prone To Wander,